Things not to say to an IRS agent

Hello all, since we just finished Tax Day here in the good ole US of A I thought I'd make a list of (hypothetical) things to not say to an IRS agent during an audit.

• "You do know I pay your salary right?" -- While this is technically true, assuming your are a net tax spender, government workers in general are not fans of being reminded of this and they will NOT take a subservient tone with you for the rest of the interview
• "I couldn't find the line to deduct hookers and blow, so I listed them as charitable deductions." -- Unless your profession is Pimp or Congressman, you are not at this time allowed to deduct expenses for hookers and blow, even if the hookers name is "Charity"
• "These aren't the funds you're looking for" (in an Obi-Wan Kenobi voice) -- Seriously, I mean seriously, you know that Star Wars and all of it's sequels/prequels are movies right? You can't really get the weak willed to do anything for you, unless they are men and you are a hot woman, but then you wouldn't be using an Obi-Wan Kenobi voice if you were a hot woman.
• "I didn't pay my taxes because I don't want to be in the administrations cabinet." -- While many members (and nominees) for the current administrations cabinet level posts had failed to pay their taxes the IRS is probably not going to extend the same courtesy to you John Q Public.
• "I didn't file my taxes this year because I'm starting my own stimulus plan." -- Again, funny and topical, but IRS agents are not hired for their sunny disposition and enjoyment of a good joke.
• "That's the income from the Friday night Poker Game I run, I have to declare that too?" -- Remember to keep your cash only accounts as cash only, no paper trail no interesting questions.

Well, that's my list of things not to say to an IRS agent during an audit. As always we here at Keith's List don't advocate doing anything illegal, immoral and wrong are up to you. So remember to declare your income correctly on your forms and not take odd deductions, and it wouldn't hurt to show up at your audit with a tube of KY.